This is my Persona (2016)

Development/Background

During our week in Vienna, I really struggled to control my anxiety. Spending a week, day and night, in the company of others, was a struggle. I felt a lot of pressure, mainly from myself, to act a certain way and felt as though I was constantly having to think about the way in which I would say things so that I wouldn't offend people etc. This is daily anxiety that I normally conceal and keep to myself but I was not used to keeping up this front, this happy normal persona, for a full week straight. It was exhausting. 

Our work in the exhibition was supposed to respond to our time in Vienna and as it was suggested that I try out performance, I felt that my social anxiety was the one thing that stood out the most to me, while I was away. This idea that we perform and behave in a certain way in order to fit in and feel comfortable, is something that most people can relate to. 

My performance featured me drawing a protection circle around myself, writing my own anxious thoughts and displaying them for the audience to see. I wanted to do the opposite of what I find myself doing in every day social situations. I was laying all of my feelings and anxieties bare for everyone to judge and think what they want with them. I often looked at members of the audience directly in the eye so to make them feel uncomfortable and make them understand how it feels to feel as though you're being judged. I reached out to the audience and then pulled away, curling into a ball to show that I want to join in and I want to feel comfortable but I am scared. I focussed on how I could express all of the different emotions that I feel when I'm particularly socially anxious; the anger, the frustration, the sadness and mainly the fear. I ended the performance with me trapped in the middle of my words (my thoughts) on the floor, stood up and said 'every day is a performance, this is my persona'. I then walked out of the room and left, before returning as myself in my normal clothes (separating me from performance me). Arguably, those are two different performing 'Josies'; the every day performance Josie and the performance art Josie. 

I gained so much from this experience. My work was well received and had the best reaction I had ever had up until that point. This was when I realised how rewarding performance art is for me. I gain so much more emotionally. The euphoric feeling after a performance is well worth the anxiety leading up to it. Having members of the audience coming up to me afterwards to tell me they understood and that they shared the same feelings as me was such a relief and meant so much to me. I found this performance particularly therapeutic. Laying all of my feelings bare in such an environment allowed me to explore my emotions instead of suppressing them, as I do daily. This performance gave me the confidence boost that I needed.

‘This is my persona’, Live Performance (Film documentation), RAPID, AU, Vienna, Austria 2016

My work explores every day life as a performance. I am currently using performance art and characterisation as a way of showing a different version of myself to the audience. I am looking at my own vulnerability, fear of judgment and the side to myself that others rarely see. This particular performance looks at how we all feel the need to perform in order to feel comfortable depending on who we are with and our surroundings.