My Internal Monologue (2016)

Development/Background

The idea behind this performance was to show the transition from public persona to self. It transpired from a performance to camera piece that I tested and tried out while planning my live performance. This features a medium shot of me blinking, looking directly at the screen, my face obscured with overlapping transparent layers of the same image which I felt represented me wanting to hide myself away from society's judging eyes. This simple moving image allows the viewer to focus on the audio. 

My alter-ego, 'Shirley', is the exaggerated version of my everyday public persona. She represents the change in our behaviour and persona depending on our social situation.

In this performance, I undress Shirley to reveal my most vulnerable self. I have a sound recording playing on speakers for the audience to hear, featuring my internal monologue - myself talking about my anxieties and fear of judgement. 

By putting myself out there when I perform, I am giving the audience permission to judge me. As I constantly worry about being judged by others, I am allowing them to watch me and think whatever they want. I am putting myself out there and doing something, I find very daunting and uncomfortable. This is why I wanted to turn it around and make the audience feel uncomfortable. 

I feel like when I get into that meditative performance state, I completely separate myself from the audience... there's a barrier. This allows me to stare and look directly into audience members eyes; making the audience feel uncomfortable. The stare and the emotional audio playing int he background should have made the audience feel as though they are intruding and watching something that should be private. I want to make the audience feel as uncomfortable and scared as I feel in every day social situations.

The Performance Itself

I began by hammering a nail in the wall. I could still hear people in the audience talking at this point, which really annoyed me, so I dropped the hammer, after I had finished hammering the nail into the wall, to get the audience's attention and to make them shut up. It worked, and for the rest of the performance the room was silent and everyone's focus was on me and Shirley. Afterwards, I hung my jacket on the nail in the wall. I crouched down and looked directly at the audience as I untied my shoes and placed each one on the floor in front of the plinth. I had to think of ways that I could move and undress without gazing towards the audience in such a way that would look as though I was 'stripping'. I decided to lie on the plinth with my head facing away, but not for long and not so that I had my back turned to the audience. I sat up to take my socks off but lay down again to take my trousers off. I pulled each leg off slowly, focussing on the actual movement rather than the gesture itself. I wore a nude vest and large nude pants in order to appear naked and vulnerable (without putting myself completely out of my comfort zone). I left the shirt, socks, shoes and trousers on and around the plinth, as they were left after the performance, for documentation. After the performance and for the remainder of the exhibition, I put the sound recording on headphones so that the audience could pick them up and visualise the aftermath of the performance. Having the wig and the jacket on the wall almost symbolised hanging up your public persona at the end of the day and returning home to be yourself - no longer needing to pretend to be a persona when you are alone in the comfort of your own home. After I removed the trousers, I hammered a nail into the wall again and took off Shirley's wig, then hung it on the wall. This revealed my bald-like wig cap on my head. I removed my wig cap and then removed the make up; I had removed the public persona. What was left was me. Removing the make up emphasised the struggle that women go through every day to put on make up and become this other version of themselves. Make up allows women to feel more confident and happier/good about themselves but it is an example of how we hide away and want to be seen in a particular or different way. I ended the performance by standing up to reveal my true, vulnerable self. 

This is me. This is who I really am. Me at my most vulnerable, raw state. Testing my emotions.

The most challenging part of the performance was trying to carry on with the action while listening to the recording of myself crying and talking about my anxieties. It was difficult doing that and letting it all out in front of my Mum in the audience. It was incredibly large audience but that did not seem to affect me. When I perform I almost forget that there is people watching, when I get into that meditative, performance state of mind. I feel like I separate from my body in that moment; there are no thoughts going through my head apart from those focussing on the movement, the transition and what to do next. This makes it all the more easy to stare into the eyes of the viewer. That separation allows me to do what I fear the most in every day life. This is why performance art is my preferred medium. I received an incredible reaction from the audience. That makes it all worth it.